Death to all monkeys!

So, less than 6 months ago I was sitting here typing how special it is to be surrounded by such beautiful wildlife~

 How things have changed.

There a plenty of snakes around here, but most are not poisonous, so I don't mind them. There are bears too, but they tend to stick in the woods so far (touch wood), and I do remind myself of the old song~ If you go into the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise~ so I figure I won't venture into their territory.

 The monkeys, however, are making me want to go out and come back looking something like this.


You see, the monkeys around here are becoming a bit of a problem. They started off as an, 'oh monkey, Y U steal all the vegetables from the gardens'.



But since then, things have turned far more sinister... Now it is at the stage where I am running into the house, locking the doors and peeking through closed blinds and then darting into the corner to huddle in the foetal position. And before you think I am over reacting, they DO break into houses....

So when did this (I believe rational) Maimouphobia (fear of monkeys) begin? Well, it started a few weeks ago with three of the big male monkeys went charging after Luke as he was walking up near his school. At first we were all like 'wow, that was pretty intense'. Next, when they would charge the car we drove by, we thought 'You so silly monkeys'.

But the other week whilst on our morning walk, we encountered a troupe of 10.  At first we thought, just don't make eye contact and keep walking and all will be fine. Treating them much in the same way as many other animals in the 'leave us alone, and we'll leave you alone'. Yeah right. Before we knew it a troupe of 10 charged us- hissing and spitting through their dripping fangs. These weren't the cute little monkeys you see on TV, nor are they the lovable nappy wearing chimps that fetch you snacks out of the fridge (Oh how I wouldn't mind those). Nope, these are the bright red arse, yellow fanged spawn straight from the pits of hell...


So, Luke takes off first (this is running up the hill), with the hissing hell spawn baring their fangs and charging us. I take a look over my shoulder and the big alpha is almost on me, ready to pounce and tear at my face. So I yell out for Luke. Like a gallant knight, he stops and starts flailing his arms and legs, hissing and spitting right back as we do a weird backwards run up the hill (a great glute workout though- not to mention all the adrenaline). Luckily, they gave up after a little bit. Though it did mean that our 40 min walk turned into a 1hr 20min as we were forced to backtrack and went very the long way home. It was actually very lucky, as about 200mtrs behind us there was a little obaasan (grandma), who, if she would have gotten there first would probably be monkey breakfast by now.

We thought that was the end of it though and that they might move on. Not so lucky. Even today, about 5 minutes after I had sent Luke off on his way to work, I heard the front door open and Luke returning for his 'monkey whacking stick' (It is sad that one must have a stick kept for this purpose). I was a little worried about him, so told him I would follow him in the car should things turn bad.

There, around the next bend, the hell creatures loitered for any unsuspecting passers by. The big one saw Luke and made a few motions to charge, but every time Luke swung the stick in the air, the devil spawn hesitated. It was a stand off. I, in the meantime sat safely in the car, with my foot at the ready to floor it and protect my husband if needed. However the monkey was smart... Too smart, maybe, and stayed put. So Luke got in the car and I floored it straight towards the monkey, hoping to scare them off the road and into the woods- away from people walking. But the demon creature snarled and then lunged at the car... Needless to say, I gunned it up the hill pretty fast to drop Luke off. But the problem came from having to get back home. Thankfully, I hadn't locked the house (it is Japan) so I knew I could just run inside, but when I drove past the monkeys again, they did another lunge for the car. I planted my foot and drove the rest of the way like lightening (it was only about 200mtrs to my house from where they skulked), all the while checking the rearview mirror in case a snarling monkey had  lunged onto the boot of the car, T2 style, and was trying to terminate me. Or that the troupe would turn the corner, still hissing a silent vengeance under their rancid breath.

Three minutes later, with all the doors in the house firmly locked, I sit down to settle my heart beat a little and look outside....




Monkeys. Everywhere.

My house was surrounded (There are more moving into position as I took this shot). I know primates were supposed to be smart, but could they really read a licence plate from a car? Did they know it was me? Is this really when and how I die? By some obscure death by monkeys. Or do I become the twitchy shut in for the rest of my life, opening the blinds just a crack to ensure that I live another day. All the while huddled on the floor in the foetal position, crying "Can't sleep, monkeys will eat me." You can guess my surprise when one of the shifty creatures sat a metre away (where the first wall is in the picture) from my window and looked in like it wanted to avenge the death of a loved one. All I needed now was thunder and lightening to flash behind it, and the monkey drenched with rain and dripping with the stench of vengeance....

But I am happy to report the monkeys are moving on. Though, that won't stop me from carrying a kitchen knife when I have to run out to the car later to go to work.

I now can't help but reminisce on how it was not long ago that I was creeping so quietly up to them to take a quick photo of the precious, precious darlings.

 Now I say- Death to all monkeys...